The Blog Of Randomness

I got bored so I dyed my hair brown.

I've had it blonde.

I've had it red.

I thought I'd be a brunette for a while and anyway, it matches my eyebrows now, horray.

I feel really good at the moment. I guess I got sick of moping around complaining all the time. I'm being nicer and I feel happier with myself again. It's like the hair dye bottle contained a happiness potion. I bought a hair band too so now I'm happy about my hair. I've been putting weight on and off lately though and the other day Rachael said to me "we should go sunbathing in our bikinis over the summer". I'd love to but I'm a bit on the beer belly side at the moment. I had to buy size 12 jeans instead of 10 the other day and that's like a really big deal for me because I'm one of those body-obsessed people. It's irritating aswell because now all the skinny girls are in tight skimpy tops for the summer and I'm worrying about the looks-like-I'm-7-months-pregnant stomach on me.

I hope Rob likes big girls.

Maya xxxxxx

Alexithymia by Anberlin

I think I love this one more than the other one. I listened to this one some time ago while reading a manga and now I feel really attached to it. Weird. This guy has a gorgey voice!

Lyrics

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything you say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning
Bricks to this old house are breaking
Steel would have weathered but now forlorning
It's alarming how loud the silence screams
No warn, no warn, no warning
Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit
And conversate
Conversate to the sounds
To the sounds of a record player
With it's jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Are you where you thought you'd be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It's not that we don't talk
It's just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything I say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Maya xx

I'd Hate To Be You When You Find Out What This Song Is About by Mayday Parade

I love it. I'm completely and utterly obsessed with it.

Lyrics

And we'd both go, down together
We'd stay there forever
Just try to get up
And I'm sorry, this wasn't easy
When I asked you believe me, and never let go

Well I'm thinking of the worst things, that I could say to you
But a promise doesn't mean a thing, anymore
And this never will be right with me
And now you're trying desperately
But I'm, tongue-tied and terrified of what I'll say

And then we'd both go, down together
We may stay there forever
I'll just try to get up
And I'm sorry, this wasn't easy
When I asked you believe me, you never let go
But I let go

I could only sing you sad songs
And you could sing along
And you could see the melody, that's been calling at your walls
This never will be right with me
And now you're trying desperately
But I'm, tongue-tied and terrified of what I'll say

But I never told you everything
I'm losing hope and faded dreams
And every single memory, along the way

And then we both go, down together
We may stay there forver
Just try to get up
And I'm sorry, this wasn't easy
When I asked you believe me, you never let go
But I let go

And we both go, down together
And stay there forever
Just try to get up

And then we both go down together
We may stay there forever
Just try to get up
And I'm sorry, this wasn't easy
When I asked you believe me, you never let go
But I let go...

I was in town with Grace, walking back up the street towards home sweet home when suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw Rob in the distance! I literally screamed and shrieked, "It... it... Rob! Over... Rob there!" After making myself sound like I have mental problems I explained to Grace that Rob was coming and she made a big deal out of trying to spot him even though he was right infront of us (she's never seen him before).

You know it's awful when you see somebody you know far away, walking in your direction. I never know what to do. Do you look at them? Or the floor? Or your friend? I just looked into the sky and pretended to be interested in the cloud shaped cloud. When he was about two metres away I looked up (even more up than the sky because he's so tall) and he stepped out infront of me and sort of did this funny wave. Then he attempted to say "hi" but his voice was all high and squeaky. Then he sort of got back into walking and walked off. I was left thinking "what the hell??" Usually when he says hi to me he's all cool about it but it was like he'd attempted to be cool like usual but it had gone a bit wrong.

Grace looked a bit shocked though. I think she thought I had made Rob up and he didn't actually exist. Although it's not every day that an unbelieveably hot guy steps infront of me and says hi, even if it does end up looking uncool. I said "hello" back at him, and my voice went even higher than his because all the lovey tension inside was causing my lungs to eat themselves.

I did notice that he was with a girl. I didn't look at her much but I remember her being short, thin and pretty. With brown hair.

His girlfriend?

No... she looked waaaay too young.

About my age or something.

Maya xx

I borrowed it from Grace to read again so I could remind myself what it was all about. I'd forgotten how funny it is. I know it's written by an older woman but she really captures the mind of a fifteen year old perfectly. I found myself thinking "this woman is writing about my life!"

Bits that I found funny:

Wednesday August 26th
11:00am
I have no friends. Not one single friend. No one has rung, no one has come round. Mum and Dad have gone to work, Libby is at playschool. I may as well be dead.

...

Saturday September 5th
10:30am
Lalalalala. Life is so fab. Lalala. I even managed to put mascara on without sticking the brush in my eye. Also I tried out my new lipliner and I think the effect definitely makes my nose look smaller. In a rare moment I shared my nose anxiety with Mum. She said, "We used to use 'shaders'. You know, light highlights and darker bits to create shadow - you could put a light line of foundation down the middle and then darker bits at the sides to sort of narrow it down."
Wrong answer, Mum, the correct answer is, "You are gorgeous, Georgia, and there is nothing wrong with your nose."
I didn't say that, I didn't give her the satisfaction. Instead I said, through some toast so I could deny it if I had to, "Mum, I don't want to look like you and your friends did, I've seen photos and no one wants to look like Abba anymore."

...

Saturday September 5th
7:00pm
I am still in a state of shock. I have just met Mr Gorgeous. And he is Tom's brother. And he is gorgeous. He saw me with my mouth open. But fortunately, not without eyebrows. Oh God! Quick, nurse, the screens!

7:05
I tried opening my mouth in the mirror like I imagined it looked like in the shop. It doesn't make me look very intelligent but it also doesn't make my nose look any bigger, which is a plus (of sorts).

1:00am
I wonder how old he is? I must become more mature quickly. I'll start tomorrow.

Why do I find it funny? I have no idea. I was just in stitches reading it.

Maya xx

I want some shoes a bit like that ^

The problem is that I don't really know what to wear with them. It's like trainers go with trackie bottoms, converses with skinny jeans, vans with ????

I know you can mix and match but I can't actually think of anything that would look right with them.

Help?

I'm starting to get seriously irritated by my friend. I know she has a few family issues and that she never did forgive me for leaving school but Im just fed up of taking her shit now. The worse part is that she is very aware of what she's doing. You can tell by the sideglance she gives you when she talks that she wants her words to hurt you. The friend is Grace. I've mentioned her being bitchy before and so has Tamara, but it's only lately that I've been close to actually hitting her or anything like that.

Lately she's been saying things like "nobody loves you but your Mummy," and we were in the middle of town and she said, laughing loudly, "I can't believe you haven't had sex or even had a boyfriend yet!" That's not exactly true since I went out with Matt even though that ended in disaster. She's never had a boyfriend, disaster or no disaster, so I don't know why she's laughing at me because of it. I tried saying that to her but she just said that in year 7 she almost had sex with some guy so that counts (bullshit, total and utter bullshit). It doesn't sound like a big deal but when you add up everything she's said and done to me then it's not nice.

It's stupid and I'm no way saying I'm perfect but the only thing I can put it down to is jealousy.

*Boys*: I once got asked out by the ex of an old friend of mine. Grace told me that if I went out with him then she'd slap me. Charming. I said no anyway because he was on rebound and I wasn't attracted to him, although he was quite a nice guy. I found out later that he was going around asking lots of girls out that he liked, and Grace was one of the only girls he hadn't asked. Infact he said to her face that he hated her. Another time I tried to set her up with Matt, way before I went out with him but in the end he chose me over her... and now he hates her because of what she's said to him. I realised that she's had something against every guy I've ever had a chance with, and she's all for the ones that're never going to happen. Maybe it's just coincidence... maybe?

*Weight*: I'm a size 10 and she's a size 18. I know weight doesn't matter but she's always been very very aware of the differences between us, especially because when I was in year 7 I was bigger than her, and it's just because I was tired of hating my body that I decided to lose weight. She has always been sure that the only reason she doesn't get guys looking at her is, and I quote, "because I'm fat." I tell her all the time that she looks fine and it's probably just the boys being stupid, but she never listens. I do try, I really do.

*Friends*: I don't have a huge amount of friends but the ones I do have are very close to me. I know that she struggled to make new friends after me and Tamara left school and she'll jump at the slightest chance to take the piss out of my friends, which I think is totally unfair since I never laugh at any of hers.

*Family*: I admit, I'm pretty lucky to have such a bloody lovely family. I've met her family countless times and they can be quite scary. They shout at her and laugh at her and they basically ignore her for the rest of the time. It makes me appreciate my family alot more...

And blah blah blah. I can't really be bothered to explain the rest but basically she isn't being nice to me. I'm being told by my friends and even my brother that I need to stand up for myself but if I get angry then I'll probably end up saying something I'll regret. I've ignored all these stupid things she's said for the past 4 years but now some of the things she's saying are really hurtful. She knows I'm a sensitive sod and she knows what things will hurt me. I would stand up for myself but a few years ago I did something very cruel to her, and she still doesn't know that it's me. Part of me feels like I have to put up with what she's saying because of what I did to her back then, if that makes sense. It's stupid, I know.

I just don't know what to do with her anymore. Because I'm not at school I have to hold on to the friends I have and it'll destroy a chunk of my social life if I stop hanging around with her. I go to the gym with Kasey, I.T with Rachael but that's about the only things I do where I'm socialising with people I don't know that're my own age. I occassionaly bump into a group of people Grace knows when I'm out with her. It's like a group of skaters and young girls in mini skirts and I don't know if I want to be a part of a group quite like that.

The obvious solution is to tell Grace to stop being a cow next time she says something hurtful. I think I'll try that one out and if it doesn't work I'll move onto a plan B.

Maya x

I have officially finished all of my GCSEs for this year. Well there's only two of them and I still have to do loads more next year but oh well, I'm feeling too happy to care really! I finished my Maths last week and then yesterday I finished my second Geography exam which was such a relief. I messed up the first Geography paper but I felt I actually did well on the second one.

I was sitting the exam in the gym with the same people as last time, plus a few extra. They were all sixth formers and probably thought I was a bit young to be in there with them but there wasn't much I could do about that. The examiner woman kept talking to me while we were waiting outside, obviously trying to make conversation but I didn't exactly feel like telling her my life story while I was trying to remain calm.

I was in a row by myself again (what do they think I am, a loner? Geez...) but at least I had people sitting near me instead of around the edges of the hall like last time. I thought my cold had cleared up but about 10 minutes into the exam my nose started running. It was horrible because I'm not one of those people who lets the snot run down (*gag*) so I had a tissue in my hand, trying to keep it all in while trying to write about populaton density and the effects of the CAP policy on agriculture.

I thought it was all going quite well until the exam ended and the examiner let me go first. Me. What was she thinking? In my haste I grabbed my pencil case and took a step forward and realised too late that my pencil case was still undone. All of my pencils went flying around the room and I really could have just died then and there. I tried not to make a big deal out of it and picked everything up but I could feel everyone watching me. I just left quickly and if I'd forgotten any pencils I hope the devil took them to hell for all the embarrassment they caused. Although I checked, and I think everything was there.

To make it worse my Mum had parked the car in a stupid place so that I couldn't see it so I was standing outside the school gates with millions of unbeliveably gorgeous guys walking out of the school, while I looked like a plank waiting for my Mum who was basically parked right behind me. I stood there for about 20 minutes waiting for her until she drove right up to me so I could see her.

I felt so embarrassed that I gave my Mum the silent treatment for two whole minutes (I know, I'm childish like that).

All in all though it was a pretty good end to my exams.

Maya xxx

A boy was sitting an exam and the examiner called to everyone that there were 5 minutes left and when those five minutes were up everyones exam papers had to be on his front tesk.

"Then I guess there's nothing you can do about it then," said the boy.

Do you get it? I'm no good at telling jokes but it went something like that anyway. I thought it was pretty funny.

Maya xx

I can't believe it! It's coming out as a film on July 25th! July is going to be such a good month. They've renamed it as Angus, Thongs And Perfect Snogging though for some reason but maybe that's just an American thing. Or an English thing. Oh, what the hell, I just can't wait to see it! I remember reading the books and thinking "god this sounds exactly like my life." And she even has a big nose like me!

Maya xxx

I had quite a weird weekend. I spent both days with one of my best mates Kasey because it was her birthday and it was kind of an "early celebration". I had good fun though. She's got this huge trampoline and if you pull your legs up when you jump you can see right into the neighbours garden.

It was her brother Jamie that made the weekend weird though. He's the same age as Rob (17) and I've known him for as long as I've known her and he use to be best friends with my brother for a while. He's not my friend or anything but I do have his msn and I went on holiday with him for two years running but that's only because I went with Kasey's family and of course, he's part of her family being her brother and all.

He's been strangely nice to me ever since an incident on holiday last year when he picked up a hose pipe and sprayed it in my face, practically drowning me in the process. Although I like to think it, I'm not the type who grabs you and kicks you to death for hurting me or my friends, so I just kinda shouted at him and pretended it was no big deal. Karma got revenge for me though when it made him fall over a few days later when we were walking along the beach. He staggered to his feet and said, all embarrassed, "why didn't you laugh at me? If I was you I'd be pissing myself right now."
And I said, "because I'm not tight like you." And that was that. He was nice to me forever after that, letting me sit on his bed when I had nowhere else to sit when I was reading etc (that sounds odd but his bed was in the kitchen. Don't ask, the hut had a weird layout).

Anyway to the point, I saw Jamie again when I went around on Saturday. I was in Kasey's room and suddenly he appeared at the doorway, wearing nothing but a towel, obviously just coming out of the shower. Kasey looked up and it all went something a bit like this:
Kasey: Jamie, what the fuck are you doing?
Jamie: Drying myself. Obviously.
Kasey: Take the towel away! Go away! Get out of my room!
Jamie: Take the towel away? Ok then...
Me: No! Don't take the towel away!
Kasey: You never come into my room to do that so why are you doing it now? Get out!
And then then there was a very sudden, very awkward silence and Jamie just sort of walked out of the room. It was so weird. I looked at Kasey and said, "what was all that about?" but she just shrugged.

Then later on we went downstairs and Jamie was on his xbox. Kasey asked if we could have a go and she was really surprised when he actually said yes. I raced him a few times on the game but of course he won all three races. Then to make it harder for him so I had more of a chance of winning I said, "to make it fair put your arms in the air and play." And he did. I was actually shocked because I thought he'd refuse or something. He still won (damn it!) but it was fun going "oh Jamie, aren't your arms really aching yet?" all through the race.

I just think it's all a bit strange. He's always been the guy who annoys everyone and is horrible to everyone. I guess there must be some niceness in him after all.

Maya xxxxxx

I looked back over all my past blog posts and realised that I never actually named "him". Poor guy, he's been nameless for so long now! I would call him by his real name but I have nightmareish visions of him typing his name into Google and it coming up with this blog post (really, don't ask...). So I'm going to call him Rob. It kinda has a ring to it anyway. I gave Matt a fake name (Matt being the fake name of course) so I suppose Rob deserves one too. God, I'm so paranoid... haha.

Anyway, I'm very bored so I've decided to write the pros and cons of Rob. Well, more specifically, the pros and cons of why I should and shouldn't admit my undying love to him.

Pros (Reasons why I should ask him out)
-he's funny and makes me laugh.
-he's so good looking that sometimes I think I could just... just... die
-he'd look after me. He's that caring kind of guy that every girl wants
-he is not a chav and he does not have chav friends
-he has a husky voice which just makes you wanna melt
-he's just genuinely a really great person and in my eyes is the perfect guy (yes, that deserved to be in bold)

Cons (Reasons why I shouldn't ask him out)
-he's my brother's best friend. That's a problem in itself. I might ruin their friendship forever
-he lives by himself and he might feel the need to spend money or something on me and then have no money left for food and then starve and die
-he's had a hard life, meaning that he's slightly emotionally unstable. I won't really say anymore about that...
-I barely even see him anymore because it's summer which means when my brother meets him it's always downtown or something. So when would I get the chance to admit my undying love if I never see him?
-he's said before that he never wants to settle down with a family. That leaves it a bit hard for me if all goes well and I actually want to settle down

So there we go. 11 totally unfair reasons as to why I should and shouldn't tell him about my feelings. God... life really is unfair isn't it?

Maya xxx

I discovered long ago that I seem to have something that my friend calls "the cosmic horn". It basically means that you fall in love with every guy you meet. Have you ever watched Peep Show? I'm a bit like Mark with the whole "she's the one!" thing. I made it a late new years resolution to not love a guy until I'd known him for a year. That pretty much went out the window though when a bunch of new guys joined my I.T lessons a few days later...

But I've been doing well. I realised that this whole "cosmic horn" thing was down to me being overly desperate to get a boyfriend (I'm not desperate right now. I'm going through an I'm-an-independant-woman-so-I-don't-need-men stage. I was only desperate in the first place because everyone around me was getting nice nice warm hugs when it rained and someone there to hold them yardy yardy yar). So it all cooled off a little anyway. I actually have a friend who is a boy and I don't fancy him at all, not even a tiny bit and that has nothing to do with the fact that everybody hates him and he's a complete idiot.

So, yeah, I've been monitoring my feelings for people. I've only been fancying people when there is genuinely something to fancy. I've only been announcing my undying love to people when I was sure it was definitley them I liked. Although not much undying love announcing has been going on lately. I still do love my brothers best mate, despite the fact he knows nothing about it and I barely even see him these days. And yes, it is love. I sort of decided that it's stupid to think that every person you go out with is "the one". I know alot of people do think that but I thought "there must be one kind of love which is greater than all the rest". I think that's probably what I feel for my brothers friend (I'm keeping him unnamed since I can't remember the name I made up for him last time I mentioned him. It's for his own safety, believe me. He'd die of shock if he read this.) And it's not like I've seen him from a distance and think he's some random hot guy with a cute smile. I know him. I wouldn't call him my friend (well... I would but oh well) but we've had conversations, I've been to a gig with him and my brother, he says hi to me whenever I see him in town, whether he's by himself or with a huge group of people. He must at least slightly like me if he's willing to say hi to me infront of his friends?

There is always this crazy tightening in my chest when I see this guy though. It's like time freezes and it's just me and him in the world. When I talk to him I feel myself blushing like an idiot and I mess up everything I say, like I'll start stuttering or something. It all sounds like some kids fairytale love blubber but it's really more than I can put into words. I really do like the guy. And I wouldn't mind snogging him. Oh god I can't believe I said that...

So with all this cosmic horn flying around, throughout it all I have always liked the guy. Whereas with other guys it all faded away and became nothingness, my feelings for this guy are still all crazy and mad. I know I've talked about him before and I've practically repeated every word I've ever said about him but really... this guy is THE ONE.

I think.

Maya xxxxx

..
I can't believe I've just spent 10 minutes writing a blog post about him.

Oh yes.

It's true.

http://www.ugoplayer.com/games/atreyugames.html

The second love of my life now comes complete with a sword and his own game.

I've only killed him twice (: I thought he'd get over it eventually.

Maya xxx

I finished my last GCSE Math’s paper today. Thank god. It was a real killer. It didn’t help that I have a cold and so spent the entire 2 hours sniffing like crazy. I felt sorry for the other 10 people in the room who had to put up with it. At least I wasn’t the only external candidate. There was this other guy too, really cute. Way too old for me but that can’t stop me thinking he’s hot, right? He seemed to know his way around more than I did so I was guessing that he’d been to the school before. Today was my third time there and for some reason I felt even more nervous than the first and second times. I suppose I knew that the exam paper would be harder so it added to the pressure and all. I’m actually starting to like the school quite a bit. I sort of know my way around now so didn’t get lost this time on my way back to reception. Only two more exams to take there until it’s all over (: I think next year I might go to my old school to take the exams. It’ll be so much easier that way. I think I’m brave enough to do that too now. I seem to have grown in confidence this last year. Yay for confidence.

Me and Matt are finished. Officially. Infact he’s going out with somebody else now. I don’t really mind. I’ve been sidetracked with studying and exams anyway. I suppose I’m happy for him, despite all the spiteful things he said to me after I told him it was over. I’ve been a bit of a bitch back so I guess it’s all fair now. I am now single once again. Great (:

My Grandad’s in a care home now. He’s all ok. My Gran didn’t really know what to do with him because she knew she’d struggle to cope if he was back at home again. He didn’t want to go in a home but he likes it now he’s settled in a bit.

Maya xx